Fun, follies and firearms

My little brother is getting married at the end of the month. Last weekend was his bachelor party. He’s 35 so the party was less about traditional debauchery and more about hanging around with friends. We sat around and made fun of each other and people we know, ate lots of grilled meat, did some target shooting, and in the evenings had a few (but not too many) drinks.

One of his college roommates had offered to host all of us at his cabin in a place about 10 miles south of Lewiston Mi. If you take a look at a Google satellite map you’ll it’s just a place in the woods with darn few neighbors.

When I arrived, I went to take some things out of the back of my Focus. The lift gate doesn’t always go all the way up and I don’t always remember to check. So I walked into the bottom corner of the thing. It got my on the top of the head and man did that hurt. My left eye wanted to close and crawl into my skull to try and fill the dent I made. Fortunately I recovered swiftly.

Then we went out target shooting. I was firing my hunting rifle for the first time in more that 15 years. I had forgotten how much recoil there was. Today I still have some bruising on my shoulder. A lot of innocent paper targets had to die so that I could get that bruise, but it was worth it.

The cabin was small but well made, with 2 bedrooms, a kitchen and sitting area and running water and electricity. Not too rustic, but also not designed for long term residence (no closets, for example). There wasn’t room for everyone, so one guy slept on couch cushions while another used the sleeper sofa. Another had a tent and someone else slept on an air mattress on the porch. I knew that space was at a premium, and had a plan.

In the late summer of 2003 we had a power outage that affected most of the northeastern US. 10’s of millions were without power and the news suggested that it would take some time to get everyone up and running. It was also ridiculously hot and humid. I didn’t sleep that night and decided that sleeping outdoors might be cooler than staying inside with the windows open. But I didn’t have any camping gear, so buying a tent and an air mattress and setting everything up in the yard was too much expense for a day or two. Sleeping without some sort of protection also seemed like a bad idea. At the very least I am a mosquito magnet.

My solution? I went to an Army Surplus store in my neighborhood and bought a jungle hammock. It has a nylon roof and sides made of mosquito netting, so I figured I’d be kept cool and free of pests. Not long after setting it up in my yard on the hooks where my clothes line was, power was restored. I took it down without ever having slept in it. But with the bachelor party coming up I thought “Here’s my chance!”

The weather had been warm, but generally not oppressive. The nights cool but not cold. So I bought some new rope to tie the hammock to a pair of suitable trees and headed for the party in the woods.

After l arrived I set the thing up. The biggest downside to the hammock is the ridicule it invites and the fact that with all the lines you need it looks like a homeless and slightly deranged sailor is living in your yard. I was prepared for the jokes and didn’t mind it, since my comfort was my paramount concern. I was never a sailor however, and while I can tie a knot in a pinch, the job I do is serviceable but not very efficient or in any way elegant. But it was up and it held my weight when I tested it.

It was later in the evening when things went wrong. I had expected some rain and was right. But I sort of lashed the hammock up under its own roof and it stayed dry during the storm. What I hadn’t anticipated was the cold front that was causing the storms. After the rain stopped the temperature dropped to the low 50’s. Because it had not been that cool in some time I had expected to sleep in no more than sweats and be comfortable.

But those temperatures require some kind of insulation, especially when one is off the ground. One of the guys let me borrow a sleeping bag. It was made of very satiny nylon and (unbeknownst to me) had a right had zipper. More on this later.

When I first sat down in the hammock in preparation to remove my shoes and climb in there was a loud *SNAP* that was heard (followed quickly by my use of an expletive to convey surprise) in the cabin. A line on the roof had snapped and the hammock rolled over, trapping me mostly inside with my feet sticking up into the air. I was trapped, resting mostly on my shoulders and upper back.

The guys at the party heard the snap and immediately dissolved into paroxysms of laughter. They were still laughing as I called out “A little help! Little help here!” By the time my brother and one of his friends came out it was getting a little hard to breathe. But they pulled me out, laughing the entire time. I had a little bump on my right shoulder, but was generally OK.

After enjoying their hilarity for a while I tried to figure out what snapped and affect a repair. I never did figure it out and retied most of the lines. When I was finally ready I went inside, retrieved the sleeping bag, shut off the exterior light and stepped out onto the porch. Then I forgot where the next step was, stepped half off it, and rolled my left ankle. I’ve sprained it in the past, which makes it more likely to happen now. So now I had a bump on the head, bruised shoulders and a sprained ankle. But I still had my sense of humor and a tiny, tiny scrap of dignity.

Back to the sleeping bag. I put it in upside down (again unknowingly) and struggled into it. Because the bottom is longer than the top I couldn’t get my back covered without covering my face. I thought it was just an issue of the bag sliding around.

And because the hammock sustained a little minor damaged (I was unaware of this, too) it was now off balance and had a tendency to want to roll to the right. So I needed some help getting in and getting balanced. This created more mirth. I took it well. Really. It was pretty funny. Eventually the roll and the sleeping bag annoyed me enough to get me to get out and once again re-tie everything.

While all this was going on I could hear laughter from the cabin. After another few attempts I checked my Navy Seal Watch. The glow in the dark face said 2:30 AM. That’s also known as time to give up. So I took the sleeping bag inside and slept on the kitchen floor.

I got about 4 hours of sleep, had breakfast, enjoyed everyone’s retelling the story of my night over breakfast, went home, showered and took a nap.

Good times.