It is cold here. I mean really cold. This is the coldest December I can recall. We got to zero last night. That means it was so cold that there was no temperature. It means that when the Mercury hit 2 Fahrenheit that the temperature had actually doubled since the last reading.
I've come up with a new scale for cold.
First we have crisp. Then comes brisk, followed by bracing. Next we have cold, really cold and holy crap. Then we get to where we are now, which is areyoufreakingkiddingme. The last bank sign I saw actually said that.
It's so cold..
(This is the part where you say "How cold is it?)
It's so cold that Brass Monkeys are leaving town by the busload.
It's so cold that dogs are getting stuck to fire hydrants.
This morning when I let the dogs out I found the corpse of an Eskimo that appeared to have been half eaten by a polar bear.
It's so cold there are penguins in my birdbath.
It's so cold Al Gore is changing his PowerPoint slides.
It's so cold that cows are giving Ice Cream.
It's so cold that people are warming their hands on witches hooters and well diggers asses.
The Iditarod is now coming through South East Michigan.
Even the fat guys have stopped wearing shorts.
It's so cold people are drinking cups of liquid Nitrogen to stay warm.
I saw a bird take off, get hit by a strong gust of wind, freeze solid while in flight and explode into a thousand pieces when it hit the ground.
It's so cold the Abominable Snow Man showed up in a warming shelter downtown and now refuses to leave.
There's been some wild talk around here about finding that "F&*@*ing groundhog and water boarding that little furry b@#%*rd until he admits that he's never, ever seen his M@#^&er F$%*(ing shadow and hopes he never does." Let's hope it's just talk.
Last night The Peanut's rubber ducky sank after hitting an ice berg in the bathtub.
The farmers market has been closed. It has been replaced with an open air meat locker.
It's so cold Molasses is wishing it was January.
It's so cold that it's now possible to walk all the way across all 5 Great Lakes. Lake Erie, the shallowest of them, is now one soild block of ice and is not expected to fully thaw until October 2009.
There's more, but I think you get the idea.
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2 comments:
We were in the single digits this morning here. TOOOO cold!
It was pretty cold here too, by our standards. I am embarrassed to say it was 30 and that is practically unprecidented in my neck of the woods. I have become a big freaking baby about the cold in Michigander terms (but still a polar bear in Texas terms - hanging somewhere in between).
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