I’m wondering about the broader implications of the latest round of buyouts at Ford Motor. For those of you who haven’t heard, Ford offered its 54000 hourly workers generous buyouts. The buyouts were agreed to by the UAW. Ford will replace the people who leave with new workers at about half the cost of the current ones. And it’s my understanding that GM and Chrysler are doing the same thing. Chrysler is even asking the UAW to extend the buyouts to a larger part of their workforce.
If the people who take the buyout are replaced by other workers at a substantially lower cost what is that going to mean over the next 20 years? Sure it will lower the costs of making an automobile, but will that translate into less expensive vehicles? I doubt that. It’s good for the stockholders in the short term. In the mid-term I guess I can see less rapid price increases but the manufacturers aren’t going to let their margins shrink too much.
Will other industries follow? If they do, what effect will this have on the middle class? I am a firm believer that the unions born in the early part of the last century are directly responsible for the American dream that my parents lived, even though they weren’t union workers. America is what it is largely due to the unions. They moved skilled and more significantly, unskilled labor into the middle class and reduced the gap between rich and poor.
If other industries follow I think that it could lead to significant wage gap between what is now the middle class and the upper middle class. It will mean a serious shift of the tax burden and possibly even some deflation. Pushed far enough it could even shrink the middle class. That, in my opinion, would be disastrous. America is what it is precisely because we have a large and prosperous middle class. Without it, our economy slows considerable and the standard of living has the potential to decline, which, it turn I fear, would lead to an even larger government trying even less successfully to redistribute wealth.
Will it strengthen the unions in the long run since they will now have things to bargain for again or will or will they continue to weaken? If the unions play their cards right they can use this to their advantage. In the last 20 years or more they haven’t had a lot to ask for. Wages were high, jobs were protected, and they had to ask for extra days off to vote or go hunting just so they could go to the bargaining table with something. After all, what do you get for the person who has everything?
In my opinion it made them appear greedy and grasping. In fact I resented the unions because they seemed out of control. They were no longer protecting workers, they were wagging the dog. And the dog went along with it.
Now they’re back to representing the underdogs. They’re back to doing what they were created to do. If they can push wages back up in the coming years we might see a return to the strong unions of the 1950’s.
If they roll over too much the could be made irrelevant by non-union shops offering higher wages and better benefits than what union workers are given. Smart employers with some foresight and an interest in managing people who are both happy and productive are the biggest threat to a union. Of course if all employers did that we wouldn’t have unions in the first place.
If wages do fall across the board will that make US products more competitive globally? To a certain extent it should. But I doubt that wages will fall enough for the US to compete for manufacturing plants with developing nations or even some of the yet to be exploited 3rd world nations who would love to have a factory or two where their people could work. It could help the trade deficit though if foreign goods become less affordable and U.S. goods and services become cheap enough to be attractive in overseas markets.
Will it lead to a return of some of those jobs that have been off-shored? In some cases it might. I think white color fields like engineering and customer service type work might show back up. I doubt that many manufacturing jobs would return. Those wages are entirely too disparate, even if costs in the US are cut in half. The only thing I can see making a real difference (barring unionization of the entire third world) is a huge increase in the cost of fuel. It would have to be a large enough increase to make ocean freight costs unreasonable, and if it gets to that point I think we’ll have bigger problems than not being able to import foreign goods.
Oh, I know we’ll muddle through, but politics aside, I really am curious about what this country is going to look like in the next 20 to 50 years.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
I'm not kidding.
I fully intend to use this. I got it from a friend who said he had his attorney draft it. Looks official enough to me.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________
IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
DRIVERS LICENSE#________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Number of years they have been married:
If less than your age, explain:
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversize tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. IT IS IN YOUR BEST INTEREST TO DO SO AT A RUN. WALKING WILL ONLY GIVE ME TIME TO CONSTRUCT AN ALIBI.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE’ mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend
How often you attend
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father?
Mother?
Pastor?
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C: A woman's place is in the:
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
G. What is the going rate of a hotel room?
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature
Mother's Signature
Father's Signature
State Representative/Congressman Signature
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified in person by two large gentlemen wearing ski masks and driving a non-descript van.
In the unlikely event your application is accepted please study the following to prepare for your date.
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Rule One:If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Saigon. When my Agent Orange starts acting up the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________
IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
DRIVERS LICENSE#________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Number of years they have been married:
If less than your age, explain:
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversize tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. IT IS IN YOUR BEST INTEREST TO DO SO AT A RUN. WALKING WILL ONLY GIVE ME TIME TO CONSTRUCT AN ALIBI.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE’ mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend
How often you attend
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father?
Mother?
Pastor?
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C: A woman's place is in the:
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
G. What is the going rate of a hotel room?
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature
Mother's Signature
Father's Signature
State Representative/Congressman Signature
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified in person by two large gentlemen wearing ski masks and driving a non-descript van.
In the unlikely event your application is accepted please study the following to prepare for your date.
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Rule One:If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Saigon. When my Agent Orange starts acting up the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
The tough questions
Sunday afternoon I called my wife on her cell phone to ask her a question. I said this exactly: “I’m going to ask you a question and I’d like you to be completely honest with me. Why me?” Don’t panic. The rest of the story is actually pretty funny.
My sister-in-law was scheduled for a c-section on Tuesday the 22nd. Saturday night my wife and I dropped The Peanut off at her grandmother’s house and spent the day getting caught up on the house work and just hanging out together. We had planned to spend some time together on Sunday too, picking The Peanut up after lunch.
Naturally on Sunday morning the phone rang at 7am. My sister-in-law had gone into labor late Saturday night and had already had her c-section at a large hospital in downtown Detroit. Her seven year old daughter Riley was at home asleep, being looked after by her adult half-brother. A plan was made. Mona and I would head to my sister-in-laws house where I would pick up The Peanut and Riley and take them to our house. Mom and Mona would head down to the hospital.
OK, no problem. I can handle this. So I take the girls back to our place, feed them lunch and then we head downstairs to watch movies and play. Riley, out of nowhere, tells me that she’s worried about her mom and baby sister because the baby was early. Riley was something like 8 weeks premature. She spent some time in the NICU and is still somewhat frail. So I had a talk with her and explained how babies grow and the difference between being 8 weeks early and 2 days early. I even showed her some pictures (drawings) in my anatomy text book. That seemed to make her feel better.
A little while later it’s time for The Peanut to nap.
A bit after that, Riley asks for a snack. So we head up to the kitchen and I whomp up a PB&J. As she’s eating, Riley looks at me and asks “How do babies come out?” Shit. The Peanut is a year and a half old. I shouldn’t have to have this talk with a little kid for years yet. I chickened out, and since I knew that Riley was aware that her mom was having the c-section I told her that her mom was having an operation. She pointed to a spot on her tummy and asked “from right here?” She was pretty much in the right spot, so I said yes, feeling good about answering her question and dodging a bullet at the same time. She took a few more bites and then (I bet you saw this coming) asked “What about other times?” Shit, shit, shit!
I believe in telling little kids as much as they want to know when it comes to basic facts, and I try to overestimate how much they’ll understand. I didn’t want to have this talk, but I felt that lying to her with some kind of cabbage leaf / stork story would be wrong and telling her to ask her mother would also be an act of moral cowardice. So I took a deep breath and went and got the anatomy book again.
It had a cutaway drawing of a birth. I pointed out the basic land marks, “here’s the mommy’s leg, here’s her tummy” and showed used a teddy bear alongside the book (there was no stand-in for the mommy) to explain it. I know I showed her where the pee comes from, where the poop comes from, and how the baby came from a spot in between. She said “From the privates?” I said yes, and asked if she had any more questions. She didn’t and we went back to playing pac-man.
Later, I called Mona and asked her “Why me?” She laughed and gave me some sympathy. Then Riley asked to talk with Mona and proceeded to ask her the same question over the phone. I ended up apologizing to Mona and trying to explain that I had no idea that was coming.
The next day was MLK day, and since I was the nearest family member who wasn’t working I went to the hospital to help my sister-in-law with her newest, Hannah. If you haven’t had a baby in a while, you might not know that a lot of hospitals leave the baby in the room with Mom unless they need to run a test. New parents do all the feeding, changing and comforting right from the get-go. I didn’t do much since the S-I-L was still on pain killers most of the morning, but I ran little errands (get me some ice chips) followed the baby to the nursery when she got her 24 hr. blood work done and passed her to the S-I-L when it was feeding time. No big deal.
In the afternoon the nurse pulled the IV morphine and my S-I-L started to become more alert. Once she was awake I teased her a little and told her she owed me for the conversation I had with Riley. She didn’t laugh, but she did tell me that she and Riley had talked about this already.
It seems that Riley knows what happens, but I don’t think she wants to accept it. And I suppose that’s OK, since she’s, you know, seven.
So how did I do? What would you have done? Have you ever been caught off guard by a kid with a Serious Question? How did you handle it?
I’m interested to hear all your storys.
My sister-in-law was scheduled for a c-section on Tuesday the 22nd. Saturday night my wife and I dropped The Peanut off at her grandmother’s house and spent the day getting caught up on the house work and just hanging out together. We had planned to spend some time together on Sunday too, picking The Peanut up after lunch.
Naturally on Sunday morning the phone rang at 7am. My sister-in-law had gone into labor late Saturday night and had already had her c-section at a large hospital in downtown Detroit. Her seven year old daughter Riley was at home asleep, being looked after by her adult half-brother. A plan was made. Mona and I would head to my sister-in-laws house where I would pick up The Peanut and Riley and take them to our house. Mom and Mona would head down to the hospital.
OK, no problem. I can handle this. So I take the girls back to our place, feed them lunch and then we head downstairs to watch movies and play. Riley, out of nowhere, tells me that she’s worried about her mom and baby sister because the baby was early. Riley was something like 8 weeks premature. She spent some time in the NICU and is still somewhat frail. So I had a talk with her and explained how babies grow and the difference between being 8 weeks early and 2 days early. I even showed her some pictures (drawings) in my anatomy text book. That seemed to make her feel better.
A little while later it’s time for The Peanut to nap.
A bit after that, Riley asks for a snack. So we head up to the kitchen and I whomp up a PB&J. As she’s eating, Riley looks at me and asks “How do babies come out?” Shit. The Peanut is a year and a half old. I shouldn’t have to have this talk with a little kid for years yet. I chickened out, and since I knew that Riley was aware that her mom was having the c-section I told her that her mom was having an operation. She pointed to a spot on her tummy and asked “from right here?” She was pretty much in the right spot, so I said yes, feeling good about answering her question and dodging a bullet at the same time. She took a few more bites and then (I bet you saw this coming) asked “What about other times?” Shit, shit, shit!
I believe in telling little kids as much as they want to know when it comes to basic facts, and I try to overestimate how much they’ll understand. I didn’t want to have this talk, but I felt that lying to her with some kind of cabbage leaf / stork story would be wrong and telling her to ask her mother would also be an act of moral cowardice. So I took a deep breath and went and got the anatomy book again.
It had a cutaway drawing of a birth. I pointed out the basic land marks, “here’s the mommy’s leg, here’s her tummy” and showed used a teddy bear alongside the book (there was no stand-in for the mommy) to explain it. I know I showed her where the pee comes from, where the poop comes from, and how the baby came from a spot in between. She said “From the privates?” I said yes, and asked if she had any more questions. She didn’t and we went back to playing pac-man.
Later, I called Mona and asked her “Why me?” She laughed and gave me some sympathy. Then Riley asked to talk with Mona and proceeded to ask her the same question over the phone. I ended up apologizing to Mona and trying to explain that I had no idea that was coming.
The next day was MLK day, and since I was the nearest family member who wasn’t working I went to the hospital to help my sister-in-law with her newest, Hannah. If you haven’t had a baby in a while, you might not know that a lot of hospitals leave the baby in the room with Mom unless they need to run a test. New parents do all the feeding, changing and comforting right from the get-go. I didn’t do much since the S-I-L was still on pain killers most of the morning, but I ran little errands (get me some ice chips) followed the baby to the nursery when she got her 24 hr. blood work done and passed her to the S-I-L when it was feeding time. No big deal.
In the afternoon the nurse pulled the IV morphine and my S-I-L started to become more alert. Once she was awake I teased her a little and told her she owed me for the conversation I had with Riley. She didn’t laugh, but she did tell me that she and Riley had talked about this already.
It seems that Riley knows what happens, but I don’t think she wants to accept it. And I suppose that’s OK, since she’s, you know, seven.
So how did I do? What would you have done? Have you ever been caught off guard by a kid with a Serious Question? How did you handle it?
I’m interested to hear all your storys.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Jorge-ology
Even though I generally ignore these kinds of things, the following survey interested me for reasons I still don’t understand. So I copied this from Kathleen who took it from Fermi, who ripped it off from LL, who got it from Sunshine. No tagging, just a survey with random questions. Copy the list, edit the answers, and call it your name with "ology" on the end.
MOUTHOLOGY
Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Generally Blue Cheese
Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. McDonalds or Moe’s
Q. What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
A. Thai Peppers in Farmington Hills
Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. 20-25%
Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A1. Bulgarian or Danish Feta, Black Olives, Greek Bread and Diet Coke.
A2. Almost anything raw. Kibbee, Sushi, Carpaccio, etc.
Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A1. From a store- Pepperoni, Mushrooms, Green Olives, yellow peppers
A2. If I make it- Pesto sauce with garlic, artichoke hearts, mushrooms, feta and spinach
Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. Butter
TECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?A. A grouper photographed while diving in the Bahamas
Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Two. But the second is in the guest room. I’d like a flat screen for the bedroom one day as well.
BIOLOGY
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Left
Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. tonsils and adenoids
Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. Three to four years.
Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. Define heavy. Maybe boxed furniture from Ikea between Christmas and New Years.
Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Never. It may not be possible. There’s something like 8 Lbs of pure Macedonian concrete held up by my neck. As far as I know it will stand up to anything short of a direct hit from Chuck Norris. Check the link, it’s not what you think it is. You’ll laugh. I promise.
BULLCRAPOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. I don’t think so.
Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. Alejandro Tyrone Lipschutz III. Skip for short.
Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Someone once told me gray with a little blue in it looked good. I have no idea.
Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. Not as far as I know. But then I’ve heard that we all eat spiders accidentally when we sleep. Are arachnids an official food?
Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A. Possibly. But it’s hard to say for sure. As a SCUBA instructor you try and intervene before it gets definite.
Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Yes. I was seriously ill as a child. The doctors and nurses at Childrens Hospital pulled me through.
DAREOLOGY
Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. Maybe. But no tounge.
Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. Probably not. I might look silly holding a tea cup without extending a pinky.
Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. You bet.
Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. In a heart beat.
Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. Sure. Gimme the thousand.
Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. Do I get to pick the guy I whack? How many turns do I get? Let’s start with child molesters and move on from there.
DUMBOLOGY
Q. What is in your left pocket?
A. Nothing right now, but usually my keys.
Q. Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. There were some good bits.
Q. Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. Hardwood everywhere except the kitchen and bathrooms. And the basement has carpet.
Q. Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. Stand.
Q. Would you live with roommates?
A. Do my wife, baby, dog and auxillary dog (cat) count?
Q. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A. Do I look like a hippy to you?
Q. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A. Over the summer. Got a ticket that was kind of BS.
Q. Who is number 1 on your Top 8?
A. What does this mean?
LASTOLOGY
Q: Last Friend you talked to?
A: My wife. Otherwise my brother.
Q: Last person who called you?
A: Again, my wife.
Q: Last person you hugged?
A: Still the wife.
Q: Last person to stick their foot in your face?
A: Are you sensing a pattern yet?
FAVORITOLOGY
Q: Number?
A: 27
Q: Season?
A: Spring
CURRENTOLOGY
Q: Missing someone?
A: Mom
Q: Mood?
A: Generally content with a small dose of discomfort.
Q: Listening to?
A: The baby monitor.
Q: Watching?
A: What I’m typing. I only do one thing at a time.
Q: Worrying about?
A: I don’t know if I’m worried, but I am wondering about the broader implications of the latest round of buyouts at Ford Motor. If the people who take the buyout are replaced by other workers at a substantially lower cost what is that going to mean over the next 20 years? Will other industries follow? What effect will this have on the middle class? Will it strengthen the unions in the long run since they will now have things to bargain for again or will or will they continue to weaken? If wages do fall across the board will that make US products more competitive globally? Will it lead to a return of some of those jobs that have been off-shored?
RANDOMOLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
A: Inside the house- The kitchen to make Mona’s lunch. Outside, daycare for The Peanut.
Q: What can you not wait to do?
A: I don’t know. I just know that I want to live forever. I want to know what happens.
Q: What's the last movie you saw in theater?
A: National Treasure: Book of Secrets. 3 hours ago.
Q: Do you smile often?
A: Yes.
Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: I think I’m a little laid back. My wife disagrees and claims I’m outgoing. I am generally predisposed to like everyone, so I guess she’s right and the answer is yes.
MOUTHOLOGY
Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Generally Blue Cheese
Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. McDonalds or Moe’s
Q. What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
A. Thai Peppers in Farmington Hills
Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. 20-25%
Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A1. Bulgarian or Danish Feta, Black Olives, Greek Bread and Diet Coke.
A2. Almost anything raw. Kibbee, Sushi, Carpaccio, etc.
Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A1. From a store- Pepperoni, Mushrooms, Green Olives, yellow peppers
A2. If I make it- Pesto sauce with garlic, artichoke hearts, mushrooms, feta and spinach
Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. Butter
TECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?A. A grouper photographed while diving in the Bahamas
Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Two. But the second is in the guest room. I’d like a flat screen for the bedroom one day as well.
BIOLOGY
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Left
Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. tonsils and adenoids
Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. Three to four years.
Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. Define heavy. Maybe boxed furniture from Ikea between Christmas and New Years.
Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Never. It may not be possible. There’s something like 8 Lbs of pure Macedonian concrete held up by my neck. As far as I know it will stand up to anything short of a direct hit from Chuck Norris. Check the link, it’s not what you think it is. You’ll laugh. I promise.
BULLCRAPOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. I don’t think so.
Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. Alejandro Tyrone Lipschutz III. Skip for short.
Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Someone once told me gray with a little blue in it looked good. I have no idea.
Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. Not as far as I know. But then I’ve heard that we all eat spiders accidentally when we sleep. Are arachnids an official food?
Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A. Possibly. But it’s hard to say for sure. As a SCUBA instructor you try and intervene before it gets definite.
Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Yes. I was seriously ill as a child. The doctors and nurses at Childrens Hospital pulled me through.
DAREOLOGY
Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. Maybe. But no tounge.
Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. Probably not. I might look silly holding a tea cup without extending a pinky.
Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. You bet.
Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. In a heart beat.
Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. Sure. Gimme the thousand.
Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. Do I get to pick the guy I whack? How many turns do I get? Let’s start with child molesters and move on from there.
DUMBOLOGY
Q. What is in your left pocket?
A. Nothing right now, but usually my keys.
Q. Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. There were some good bits.
Q. Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. Hardwood everywhere except the kitchen and bathrooms. And the basement has carpet.
Q. Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. Stand.
Q. Would you live with roommates?
A. Do my wife, baby, dog and auxillary dog (cat) count?
Q. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A. Do I look like a hippy to you?
Q. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A. Over the summer. Got a ticket that was kind of BS.
Q. Who is number 1 on your Top 8?
A. What does this mean?
LASTOLOGY
Q: Last Friend you talked to?
A: My wife. Otherwise my brother.
Q: Last person who called you?
A: Again, my wife.
Q: Last person you hugged?
A: Still the wife.
Q: Last person to stick their foot in your face?
A: Are you sensing a pattern yet?
FAVORITOLOGY
Q: Number?
A: 27
Q: Season?
A: Spring
CURRENTOLOGY
Q: Missing someone?
A: Mom
Q: Mood?
A: Generally content with a small dose of discomfort.
Q: Listening to?
A: The baby monitor.
Q: Watching?
A: What I’m typing. I only do one thing at a time.
Q: Worrying about?
A: I don’t know if I’m worried, but I am wondering about the broader implications of the latest round of buyouts at Ford Motor. If the people who take the buyout are replaced by other workers at a substantially lower cost what is that going to mean over the next 20 years? Will other industries follow? What effect will this have on the middle class? Will it strengthen the unions in the long run since they will now have things to bargain for again or will or will they continue to weaken? If wages do fall across the board will that make US products more competitive globally? Will it lead to a return of some of those jobs that have been off-shored?
RANDOMOLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
A: Inside the house- The kitchen to make Mona’s lunch. Outside, daycare for The Peanut.
Q: What can you not wait to do?
A: I don’t know. I just know that I want to live forever. I want to know what happens.
Q: What's the last movie you saw in theater?
A: National Treasure: Book of Secrets. 3 hours ago.
Q: Do you smile often?
A: Yes.
Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: I think I’m a little laid back. My wife disagrees and claims I’m outgoing. I am generally predisposed to like everyone, so I guess she’s right and the answer is yes.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
My little cartoon viewer
What do you think of the little Dilbert viewer down there on the right hand side of your screen?
I thought it was pretty cool, and Dilbert speaks to me. (Not in a "he needs to be medicated" way, rather in a sprititual sense.)
Let me know.
I thought it was pretty cool, and Dilbert speaks to me. (Not in a "he needs to be medicated" way, rather in a sprititual sense.)
Let me know.
How I got here.
Since we’re talking about weddings already and this is the place where I say pretty much anything that comes to mind I thought I’d tell you how I met my wife.
Between the ages of puberty and 2003 I was not what you would call a successful dater. Sure, I’d have dates here and there. My longest dry spell was only 5 or 6 years. And there was the time when I instituted what has come to be known as “The Policy”, which basically said No More Dating. Ever.
In 1998 I went to work for a small company that gave me a 13 state territory and a basically unlimited travel budget. It was fun, but I didn’t have time to meet many girls. Then in the spring of 2003 I got laid off. It was actually one of the best things that ever happened to me.
I lost a bunch of weight, started exercising daily, hung out with friends and spent a lot of time at the SCUBA shop where I taught classes. I even dated a girl who was entirely too young for me. I had a decent severance package and after 2 months I pretty much knew I was going to get a job shortly, so the pressure was off. I called that summer “The Summer of Jorge”.
Two days after the big blackout of 2003 I went back to work. I now had a ton of money coming in and got a personal trainer and joined a gym. I lost more weight and was almost buff by January. But as was my custom, I had no date for New Years. I spent it at home, surfing the internet and opened a window to listen to the gunfire at midnight.
I decided that I wanted a serious girlfriend this year. I read a news story some time around then that a new online service called eHarmony was really popular with women and they outnumbered men something like 2 or 3 to one on the site, where as match.com numbers were much more heavily weighted to men. EHarmony looked like good odds to me.
So I went on the site and filled out the personality profile. I read the sales pitch info, and since I’m highly suggestible, signed up for the whole package. A one year subscription with the “free” books on marriage and dating from Dr. Warren.
Then I sat back and waited for matches. If you haven’t been on eHarmony, they do the matching for you. You don’t just “shop” at random.
I had a few matches and went through some few of the steps of communication with them. None of it went anywhere. Until the end of January. That’s when I was matched with Mona. On the surface we looked like opposites. She was in the Peace Corps. I would have been more likely to join the military. I was a SCUBA instructor; she didn’t much care for the water. Based on those things I doubt (and Mona agrees) that if we had been introduced by mutual friends or met at a party that neither of us would have been interested in the other. But we seemed to be pretty compatible despite the obvious differences. We went through the communication stages pretty quickly. Within a week we were sending one another emails through the site. After about 2 weeks we spoke on the phone and agreed to meet for lunch.
We had lunch in Novi on February 11th, 2004. I did most of the talking. I decided that I would ask her out again right there, even though the sparks weren’t flying. She agreed. And then when she got home she emailed me to apologize for being so quiet at lunch. She was very nervous and didn’t know what to say.
Since the upcoming weekend was Valentines we agreed to have a date on the 14th but to simply ignore the “holiday” as it would be too much pressure for a first and a half date. I was almost successful at ignoring it too. But I felt like I would be short changing any girl if I were to simply pretend that it wasn’t Valentines Day. So I made a decision. I would get her flowers (just a regular mixed bouquet, no roses) and some kind of little gift. I knew the gift had to be personal without being intimate. Chocolates were cliché, and jewelry would have been creepy at best. And then it hit me.
During one of our talks she told me that she had gotten a cordless drill for Christmas. She was astonished to find out that drills did not come with bits. As much as she wanted to make holes in things, she only had half of the tools she needed. So I went to Home Depot and bought her a pack of drill bits. That’s right, I bought her flowers and drill bits for Valentines Day.
We went to a comedy club and dinner that night. She was still quite and nervous, but better than at lunch. After that, one thing led to another. We were engaged by September and married the following March. That summer our stories were featured in a major newspaper and picked up on the AP wire in a number of smaller markets. A year later The Peanut arrived. So much for my one year subscription.
The moral of the story? I don’t know that there is one. But I will tell you this. I recommend the hell out of eHarmony to all my single friends. To date my wife and I know 6 or seven couples besides ourselves who met and are engaged as a result of eHarmony, including my brother, who is marrying a surgeon later this summer. I think that half of the weddings we are planning on attending this year are of people who met through Dr. Warren. If you know anyone who isn’t meeting Mr. or Ms. Right at the bars or grocery store, I highly recommend you encourage them to give it a try.
What about you? If you're married or affianced, please share your story. If you’re single and looking what are you planning to try in the new year? If you’re single and not looking, I fully understand. I’ve been there too.
The preceding story was entirely true. The author has no vested interest in eHarmony or any of its affiliates and has received no compensation for sharing his story with anyone else. Ever.
Between the ages of puberty and 2003 I was not what you would call a successful dater. Sure, I’d have dates here and there. My longest dry spell was only 5 or 6 years. And there was the time when I instituted what has come to be known as “The Policy”, which basically said No More Dating. Ever.
In 1998 I went to work for a small company that gave me a 13 state territory and a basically unlimited travel budget. It was fun, but I didn’t have time to meet many girls. Then in the spring of 2003 I got laid off. It was actually one of the best things that ever happened to me.
I lost a bunch of weight, started exercising daily, hung out with friends and spent a lot of time at the SCUBA shop where I taught classes. I even dated a girl who was entirely too young for me. I had a decent severance package and after 2 months I pretty much knew I was going to get a job shortly, so the pressure was off. I called that summer “The Summer of Jorge”.
Two days after the big blackout of 2003 I went back to work. I now had a ton of money coming in and got a personal trainer and joined a gym. I lost more weight and was almost buff by January. But as was my custom, I had no date for New Years. I spent it at home, surfing the internet and opened a window to listen to the gunfire at midnight.
I decided that I wanted a serious girlfriend this year. I read a news story some time around then that a new online service called eHarmony was really popular with women and they outnumbered men something like 2 or 3 to one on the site, where as match.com numbers were much more heavily weighted to men. EHarmony looked like good odds to me.
So I went on the site and filled out the personality profile. I read the sales pitch info, and since I’m highly suggestible, signed up for the whole package. A one year subscription with the “free” books on marriage and dating from Dr. Warren.
Then I sat back and waited for matches. If you haven’t been on eHarmony, they do the matching for you. You don’t just “shop” at random.
I had a few matches and went through some few of the steps of communication with them. None of it went anywhere. Until the end of January. That’s when I was matched with Mona. On the surface we looked like opposites. She was in the Peace Corps. I would have been more likely to join the military. I was a SCUBA instructor; she didn’t much care for the water. Based on those things I doubt (and Mona agrees) that if we had been introduced by mutual friends or met at a party that neither of us would have been interested in the other. But we seemed to be pretty compatible despite the obvious differences. We went through the communication stages pretty quickly. Within a week we were sending one another emails through the site. After about 2 weeks we spoke on the phone and agreed to meet for lunch.
We had lunch in Novi on February 11th, 2004. I did most of the talking. I decided that I would ask her out again right there, even though the sparks weren’t flying. She agreed. And then when she got home she emailed me to apologize for being so quiet at lunch. She was very nervous and didn’t know what to say.
Since the upcoming weekend was Valentines we agreed to have a date on the 14th but to simply ignore the “holiday” as it would be too much pressure for a first and a half date. I was almost successful at ignoring it too. But I felt like I would be short changing any girl if I were to simply pretend that it wasn’t Valentines Day. So I made a decision. I would get her flowers (just a regular mixed bouquet, no roses) and some kind of little gift. I knew the gift had to be personal without being intimate. Chocolates were cliché, and jewelry would have been creepy at best. And then it hit me.
During one of our talks she told me that she had gotten a cordless drill for Christmas. She was astonished to find out that drills did not come with bits. As much as she wanted to make holes in things, she only had half of the tools she needed. So I went to Home Depot and bought her a pack of drill bits. That’s right, I bought her flowers and drill bits for Valentines Day.
We went to a comedy club and dinner that night. She was still quite and nervous, but better than at lunch. After that, one thing led to another. We were engaged by September and married the following March. That summer our stories were featured in a major newspaper and picked up on the AP wire in a number of smaller markets. A year later The Peanut arrived. So much for my one year subscription.
The moral of the story? I don’t know that there is one. But I will tell you this. I recommend the hell out of eHarmony to all my single friends. To date my wife and I know 6 or seven couples besides ourselves who met and are engaged as a result of eHarmony, including my brother, who is marrying a surgeon later this summer. I think that half of the weddings we are planning on attending this year are of people who met through Dr. Warren. If you know anyone who isn’t meeting Mr. or Ms. Right at the bars or grocery store, I highly recommend you encourage them to give it a try.
What about you? If you're married or affianced, please share your story. If you’re single and looking what are you planning to try in the new year? If you’re single and not looking, I fully understand. I’ve been there too.
The preceding story was entirely true. The author has no vested interest in eHarmony or any of its affiliates and has received no compensation for sharing his story with anyone else. Ever.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Wedding Bell Blues, A Cry For Help
One of my close friends is getting married for the second time in 5 years. He’s asked if I would be his best man. For the second time. We’ve known each other for something like 25 years, and of course I accepted. I’m please and honored to be asked.
My friend (let’s call him Robert) is easily the most intelligent guy I know. I don’t mean just smart. Hell, I’m just smart. Robert is the kind of guy who would coast along with a 4.0 at someplace like M.I.T. They even tried to recruit him. He decided instead to dedicate his life to his art. As an artist I doubt that it’s unreasonable to say that he is among the top 20 “practitioners” is his field. He is currently out west finishing his PhD, after which he’ll look for a few career type positions as well as a place perform. His soon to be wife is also an artist in a related field who plans on getting her masters shortly.
Robert is also the straightest arrow I have ever met. He is religious without being pious and lives his life according to his beliefs. For example, that doesn’t mean that he won’t have drink from time to time, but you’ll never see him drunk. He didn’t actually try alcohol until well after his 21st birthday. The idea that he would ever lie, cheat, or steal is beyond ridiculous. He is, in all regards, a good and decent person.
The only flaw I can really see is, I think, related to his genius. Like many hyper-intelligent people, he has little common sense. He can learn anything, but simple things often escape his notice. He’s not good with money, but I suspect he can do differential calculus in his head.
So now you have the background. I’ve done the best man thing before. I’ve done it for other friends too. I’m comfortable speaking in front of a crowd, 5 or 500; it’s all the same to me. I enjoy it. But here’s my problem. I used up all my “A” material during my toast at his first wedding. I had some good stuff and my anecdotes were funny and didn’t put Robert in a bad light. Frankly, he’s such a decent guy there aren’t many stories that I have to tell, and I used up the good ones five years ago. Any teasing was light and in good fun.
What am I going to do for an encore? I have been thinking about this on and off for several months (I still have until May) and I can’t come up with any new material. About the only thing I’ve come up with so far is are these two ideas:
Since he is such a good guy I don’t have any stories that end “and that’s when I learned just how hard it is to find a bail bondsman in Tijuana at 3 AM on a Sunday”. And since I can’t tell a story like that truthfully, the following anecdote is a complete lie…
Robert has told me that his fiancé is smarter than he is. I’m not sure that’s actually possible, but if it is then their kids are going to be scary smart. Lucky for us, they’re both such good people we won’t have to worry that they’re going to raise a real life Lex Luthor.
Both seem kind of weak. I need some jokes or some ideas. Are there rules for a second marriage toast? Any help would be received with gratitude. Any really good help may be thanked with cash. Seriously, I’m dying here.
My friend (let’s call him Robert) is easily the most intelligent guy I know. I don’t mean just smart. Hell, I’m just smart. Robert is the kind of guy who would coast along with a 4.0 at someplace like M.I.T. They even tried to recruit him. He decided instead to dedicate his life to his art. As an artist I doubt that it’s unreasonable to say that he is among the top 20 “practitioners” is his field. He is currently out west finishing his PhD, after which he’ll look for a few career type positions as well as a place perform. His soon to be wife is also an artist in a related field who plans on getting her masters shortly.
Robert is also the straightest arrow I have ever met. He is religious without being pious and lives his life according to his beliefs. For example, that doesn’t mean that he won’t have drink from time to time, but you’ll never see him drunk. He didn’t actually try alcohol until well after his 21st birthday. The idea that he would ever lie, cheat, or steal is beyond ridiculous. He is, in all regards, a good and decent person.
The only flaw I can really see is, I think, related to his genius. Like many hyper-intelligent people, he has little common sense. He can learn anything, but simple things often escape his notice. He’s not good with money, but I suspect he can do differential calculus in his head.
So now you have the background. I’ve done the best man thing before. I’ve done it for other friends too. I’m comfortable speaking in front of a crowd, 5 or 500; it’s all the same to me. I enjoy it. But here’s my problem. I used up all my “A” material during my toast at his first wedding. I had some good stuff and my anecdotes were funny and didn’t put Robert in a bad light. Frankly, he’s such a decent guy there aren’t many stories that I have to tell, and I used up the good ones five years ago. Any teasing was light and in good fun.
What am I going to do for an encore? I have been thinking about this on and off for several months (I still have until May) and I can’t come up with any new material. About the only thing I’ve come up with so far is are these two ideas:
Since he is such a good guy I don’t have any stories that end “and that’s when I learned just how hard it is to find a bail bondsman in Tijuana at 3 AM on a Sunday”. And since I can’t tell a story like that truthfully, the following anecdote is a complete lie…
Robert has told me that his fiancé is smarter than he is. I’m not sure that’s actually possible, but if it is then their kids are going to be scary smart. Lucky for us, they’re both such good people we won’t have to worry that they’re going to raise a real life Lex Luthor.
Both seem kind of weak. I need some jokes or some ideas. Are there rules for a second marriage toast? Any help would be received with gratitude. Any really good help may be thanked with cash. Seriously, I’m dying here.
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