One of my close friends is getting married for the second time in 5 years. He’s asked if I would be his best man. For the second time. We’ve known each other for something like 25 years, and of course I accepted. I’m please and honored to be asked.
My friend (let’s call him Robert) is easily the most intelligent guy I know. I don’t mean just smart. Hell, I’m just smart. Robert is the kind of guy who would coast along with a 4.0 at someplace like M.I.T. They even tried to recruit him. He decided instead to dedicate his life to his art. As an artist I doubt that it’s unreasonable to say that he is among the top 20 “practitioners” is his field. He is currently out west finishing his PhD, after which he’ll look for a few career type positions as well as a place perform. His soon to be wife is also an artist in a related field who plans on getting her masters shortly.
Robert is also the straightest arrow I have ever met. He is religious without being pious and lives his life according to his beliefs. For example, that doesn’t mean that he won’t have drink from time to time, but you’ll never see him drunk. He didn’t actually try alcohol until well after his 21st birthday. The idea that he would ever lie, cheat, or steal is beyond ridiculous. He is, in all regards, a good and decent person.
The only flaw I can really see is, I think, related to his genius. Like many hyper-intelligent people, he has little common sense. He can learn anything, but simple things often escape his notice. He’s not good with money, but I suspect he can do differential calculus in his head.
So now you have the background. I’ve done the best man thing before. I’ve done it for other friends too. I’m comfortable speaking in front of a crowd, 5 or 500; it’s all the same to me. I enjoy it. But here’s my problem. I used up all my “A” material during my toast at his first wedding. I had some good stuff and my anecdotes were funny and didn’t put Robert in a bad light. Frankly, he’s such a decent guy there aren’t many stories that I have to tell, and I used up the good ones five years ago. Any teasing was light and in good fun.
What am I going to do for an encore? I have been thinking about this on and off for several months (I still have until May) and I can’t come up with any new material. About the only thing I’ve come up with so far is are these two ideas:
Since he is such a good guy I don’t have any stories that end “and that’s when I learned just how hard it is to find a bail bondsman in Tijuana at 3 AM on a Sunday”. And since I can’t tell a story like that truthfully, the following anecdote is a complete lie…
Robert has told me that his fiancé is smarter than he is. I’m not sure that’s actually possible, but if it is then their kids are going to be scary smart. Lucky for us, they’re both such good people we won’t have to worry that they’re going to raise a real life Lex Luthor.
Both seem kind of weak. I need some jokes or some ideas. Are there rules for a second marriage toast? Any help would be received with gratitude. Any really good help may be thanked with cash. Seriously, I’m dying here.
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3 comments:
I'm sorry, Jorge, but I don't think I can help you on this. I suck at public speaking and the idea of writing a speech freaks me out.
How about straight on mushy as a speech? How much they love each other and are going to be so good for each other, blah blah blah, crap crap crap.
BTW, I'm behind as usual at the WVSR - I am alway so so so thankful when I find someone who hates the Beatles as I do. It's enough that I forgive you for hating cats. ;-)
I do or have done a fair amount of publci speaking, so I don;t really have "stage fright" anymore.
One thing I have learned is never write or memorize a speech. I ususally know what I want to say and am wingning about 80% of it. Once you get used to it it's surprisingly easy.
I can't do the mushy stuff fora couple of reasons. First I'm, you know, a guy. Generally we leave the mushy stuff the maid of honor or the brides sister or some such. Second, I've only met the bride to be once. They live out west and don't get home much, so I can't really make any sincere observations.
I have some other ideas but if you even remember anything from other weddings you've attended then please let me know.
You'd think that as a guy who hates cats and hippies I probably shouldn't have married a girl who did a tour in the Peace Corps and has a cat, but here I am.
Are you sure you used up all of your good stories at the first wedding? Maybe there's one out there still...or one that you can give a different spin to...
I was out for drinks (Cheli's) with Martha and my friend Jim a couple of years ago and I was threatening to get a third cat. They were freaking out. "No man will date a woman with three cats." and crap like that. So, I asked my two favorite bartenders. "Rob, would you date a girl with three cats?" He gave me this funny look and said, "Who put you up to that?" I was confused and said, "HUH?" "I have three cats." I laughed while Martha and Jim groaned. Next was Simon. "Simon, would date a woman with three cats?" "I'm dating a woman with three kids, I'd rather she had three cats." I was cracking up while Martha and Jim groaned. For the record, I didn't get the third cat, but I'm tempted now.
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