I have been meaning to talk about this for a while.
Every week we have a team meeting with all 10 reps and our boss. We just go over all the stuff that’s going on and sort of make sure we’re all on the same page.
The last item on the agenda is always “Best Practices”. We go around the room and each of the reps comes up with a tip for the week or talks about something that works for them.
As class clown I have to be different.
My boss has required that I come up with something legitimate at every meeting, but I also come up with some bit of weird advice. Most of my jokes are stolen, but I’m running out now.
I’ve used things like:
Never bet you can fit your head inside a glove compartment.
If a bar has human ears nailed to the walls, don’t pass out there.
Never fry bacon without a shirt on.
Never trust a gay fortune teller with the palm of your hand.
Don’t play strip poker in a nursing home.
When drinking never offer to prove that your shoes are fire proof.
Never throw a brick straight up.
Never ask a hitchhiker to babysit.
Never let a bald man borrow your comb.
Don’t get romantically involved with farm equipment.
Never give alcohol to a Monkey.
There’s more but you get the idea.
I’ve only got 3 or 4 more of these meetings left, but I’m running out of material.
So I need some advice. What other kinds of things should one never do nor attempt?
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8 comments:
I don't have any good, general ones (but yours are funny!) Mine are all dorky and overly cerebral, like "don't misuse the term 'alchemy' in front of the dorky department medievalist" - not exactly useful for you.
Anyway, you asked about Google Analytics - go to the main Google page and click on "analytics" and you type in your info, then download a code that you put in the HTML in your blog. After the first 2 days you can track all sorts of info, like who is looking at your page and for how long, etc. Pretty handy (and free!)
Don't set up a tent in a field where ostriches feed. Or graze, or whatever they do. They are terrifying creatures, and I lost 4 hours of my life that way.
Don't tease the natives.
Never wear a skirt to a lumberjack bar.
Convert celsius to fahrenheit before you jump off of the boat.
Assume that a NASCAR fan is armed, at least with a hunting knife.
Always remember that nice hotels have cameras in the stairwells.
Here is another one:
Don't make up your own signs when trying to communicate with a deaf person. What one would think is the sign for "triangle" (thumbs together, forefingers together) is actually the sign for "vagina". This is particularly embarrassing when you are trying to tell someone that you "work in the triangle" (Research Triangle Park in North Carolina).
Polly- Awesome advice! And I want to hear the whole research triangle story.
And I can see why a guy should never wear a skirt to any bar really, but why is it a bad idea for women?
Hi Jorge, skirts are indeed a bad idea for men, and most especially in a lumberjack bar. For women, they are a good idea, but not in a lumberjack bar. Most lumberjacks are in northern climates, and not used to seeing so much skin, I suppose. Whatever the reason, it incites a feeding frenzy in a sea of plaid flannel and bushy beards.
And the triangle story.... I was out and met a hearing impaired woman at a party. I was trying to be polite and give her basic information such as my name, occupation, etc with signs. I had previously been a counselor at a summer camp for mentally & physically handicapped kids, and knew how to say "i", "work", and "in". I tacked what I thought was "triangle" onto the end, not realizing that I was telling her that "i work in the vagina". She went from shocked to confused in an instant, which prompted me to repeat the same 4 signs, slower and with more emphasis. She was staring intently at my hands with her brow furrowed and would shake her head slightly each time I completed the sequence of signs. Thankfully (or not?), one of her friends saw what was happening and dragged me away to explain what I was saying. Needless to say, "mortified" was easy to read, and I fled the party in horror.
I tried to put myself in that ladies shoes and wondered what I would have thought.
My third guess would have been that you were an obstetrician.
Oh Jorge, I was all of 20 years old. And she could probably take one look at me and guess that I wasn't a prodigy. "Hooker" might've been a more appropriate 3rd guess.
Just for curiosity's sake, what are guesses 1 and 2?
Please keep in mind that I'm a healthy adult male-
Guess 1: prostitute
Guess 2: Porn star
Sorry.
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