Fun, follies and firearms

My little brother is getting married at the end of the month. Last weekend was his bachelor party. He’s 35 so the party was less about traditional debauchery and more about hanging around with friends. We sat around and made fun of each other and people we know, ate lots of grilled meat, did some target shooting, and in the evenings had a few (but not too many) drinks.

One of his college roommates had offered to host all of us at his cabin in a place about 10 miles south of Lewiston Mi. If you take a look at a Google satellite map you’ll it’s just a place in the woods with darn few neighbors.

When I arrived, I went to take some things out of the back of my Focus. The lift gate doesn’t always go all the way up and I don’t always remember to check. So I walked into the bottom corner of the thing. It got my on the top of the head and man did that hurt. My left eye wanted to close and crawl into my skull to try and fill the dent I made. Fortunately I recovered swiftly.

Then we went out target shooting. I was firing my hunting rifle for the first time in more that 15 years. I had forgotten how much recoil there was. Today I still have some bruising on my shoulder. A lot of innocent paper targets had to die so that I could get that bruise, but it was worth it.

The cabin was small but well made, with 2 bedrooms, a kitchen and sitting area and running water and electricity. Not too rustic, but also not designed for long term residence (no closets, for example). There wasn’t room for everyone, so one guy slept on couch cushions while another used the sleeper sofa. Another had a tent and someone else slept on an air mattress on the porch. I knew that space was at a premium, and had a plan.

In the late summer of 2003 we had a power outage that affected most of the northeastern US. 10’s of millions were without power and the news suggested that it would take some time to get everyone up and running. It was also ridiculously hot and humid. I didn’t sleep that night and decided that sleeping outdoors might be cooler than staying inside with the windows open. But I didn’t have any camping gear, so buying a tent and an air mattress and setting everything up in the yard was too much expense for a day or two. Sleeping without some sort of protection also seemed like a bad idea. At the very least I am a mosquito magnet.

My solution? I went to an Army Surplus store in my neighborhood and bought a jungle hammock. It has a nylon roof and sides made of mosquito netting, so I figured I’d be kept cool and free of pests. Not long after setting it up in my yard on the hooks where my clothes line was, power was restored. I took it down without ever having slept in it. But with the bachelor party coming up I thought “Here’s my chance!”

The weather had been warm, but generally not oppressive. The nights cool but not cold. So I bought some new rope to tie the hammock to a pair of suitable trees and headed for the party in the woods.

After l arrived I set the thing up. The biggest downside to the hammock is the ridicule it invites and the fact that with all the lines you need it looks like a homeless and slightly deranged sailor is living in your yard. I was prepared for the jokes and didn’t mind it, since my comfort was my paramount concern. I was never a sailor however, and while I can tie a knot in a pinch, the job I do is serviceable but not very efficient or in any way elegant. But it was up and it held my weight when I tested it.

It was later in the evening when things went wrong. I had expected some rain and was right. But I sort of lashed the hammock up under its own roof and it stayed dry during the storm. What I hadn’t anticipated was the cold front that was causing the storms. After the rain stopped the temperature dropped to the low 50’s. Because it had not been that cool in some time I had expected to sleep in no more than sweats and be comfortable.

But those temperatures require some kind of insulation, especially when one is off the ground. One of the guys let me borrow a sleeping bag. It was made of very satiny nylon and (unbeknownst to me) had a right had zipper. More on this later.

When I first sat down in the hammock in preparation to remove my shoes and climb in there was a loud *SNAP* that was heard (followed quickly by my use of an expletive to convey surprise) in the cabin. A line on the roof had snapped and the hammock rolled over, trapping me mostly inside with my feet sticking up into the air. I was trapped, resting mostly on my shoulders and upper back.

The guys at the party heard the snap and immediately dissolved into paroxysms of laughter. They were still laughing as I called out “A little help! Little help here!” By the time my brother and one of his friends came out it was getting a little hard to breathe. But they pulled me out, laughing the entire time. I had a little bump on my right shoulder, but was generally OK.

After enjoying their hilarity for a while I tried to figure out what snapped and affect a repair. I never did figure it out and retied most of the lines. When I was finally ready I went inside, retrieved the sleeping bag, shut off the exterior light and stepped out onto the porch. Then I forgot where the next step was, stepped half off it, and rolled my left ankle. I’ve sprained it in the past, which makes it more likely to happen now. So now I had a bump on the head, bruised shoulders and a sprained ankle. But I still had my sense of humor and a tiny, tiny scrap of dignity.

Back to the sleeping bag. I put it in upside down (again unknowingly) and struggled into it. Because the bottom is longer than the top I couldn’t get my back covered without covering my face. I thought it was just an issue of the bag sliding around.

And because the hammock sustained a little minor damaged (I was unaware of this, too) it was now off balance and had a tendency to want to roll to the right. So I needed some help getting in and getting balanced. This created more mirth. I took it well. Really. It was pretty funny. Eventually the roll and the sleeping bag annoyed me enough to get me to get out and once again re-tie everything.

While all this was going on I could hear laughter from the cabin. After another few attempts I checked my Navy Seal Watch. The glow in the dark face said 2:30 AM. That’s also known as time to give up. So I took the sleeping bag inside and slept on the kitchen floor.

I got about 4 hours of sleep, had breakfast, enjoyed everyone’s retelling the story of my night over breakfast, went home, showered and took a nap.

Good times.

Another request for you

As you may know, I am a SCUBA diver. I enjoy the heck out of it and have even done some instructing. I’ve been inactive over the last year or two mostly due to the fact that my favorite dive shop closed and work and family have placed increased demands on my time.

Mona is not a SCUBA diver, nor do I think she will ever be one. I should say that the likelihood of her learning to dive is about the same as it is for me to give birth to our next child. I accept that.

Neither one of us is in the kind of physical shape we were in when we met.

Mona is actually thinner, but when we met she worked outdoors a lot and took regular Yoga classes.

I am about 20 to 25 pounds heavier. When we met I was teaching SCUBA 2 or 3 times a week and was in the gym 11 times a week. Heck, I was almost buff.

Now neither of us do those things anymore.

So Mona, largely in an effort to help me get into better shape and get her out of the house more, has suggested we find a new hobby we can take up.

I’m giving some thought to Krav Maga classes, but it’s not a great deal. And in addition to not being a diver, Mona is not interested in punching someone or worse yet, being punched herself.

Which brings me here. You guys were great when I asked about financial aid for school, so I’m coming to you, my trusted advisors, once again. I need some suggestions for things that we can do together to have some fun and get a little exercise. If we can involve The Peanut so much the better.

One final note of caution: I have 2 mild to moderately herniated discs in my lower back. It has forced me to give up golf (a game I really enjoyed at one time and that Mona would like to learn) because I can’t bend and turn at the same time. Skating whether on ice or pavement also guarantees a back injury for me.

I can carry heavy loads as long as they are on my back. Out in front of me is no good. I am also recognized by Guinness as the world’s second slowest human, so competitive track and field is pretty much out.

Other than those restrictions there shouldn’t be anything I or Mona can’t do.

So there it is. Your chance to pick my new hobby. Have at it, and as always, all suggestions are given full consideration and received with genuine gratitude.

The winning suggestion may be announced and rewarded with heartfelt thanks and possibly a warm handshake should we ever meet in real life.

Of Mice and Men

OK, I still have a couple of things on the list that I might make mention of later, but today I’m all about news. We've had a change of plans.

Over the weekend my air conditioner broke. This was a bigger crisis than you can imagine, because I’m made of 60% butter and 15% ice cream.

I was desperate to get the thing fixed and started calling every heating and cooling company I could find on Monday morning. The earliest I could get anyone out was Tuesday morning. Monday was the longest night of my life. I barely survived the humidity.

At 8 AM Tuesday the repair guy showed up. 2 fuses, 10 minutes and $70 later I was back to living in hermetically sealed, dehumidified, climate controlled comfort.

I decided to work from home and by noon the air was off and the windows were open again because of course it had cooled off and the humidity was gone.

But that was all background to explain what I was doing at home at 4 in the afternoon. Because that’s when the phone rang.

When I picked it up I recognized the voice on the other end and immediately began to imagine the worst. It was the admissions lady from the nursing school that I was accepted to. We’ve had some issues, her and I, and I was expecting to hear that there was a problem or that I wasn’t getting in after all. Even after having sent them my $500 deposit to confirm my admission.

But I was wrong! The program begins every May and goes 12 months. After completing it you have your very own Bachelors of Science in Nursing. It seems that the school has figured out there is a huge demand for nurses and a lot of people who are looking to make a career change. So they added another class that is set to begin in January of 2009.

The admissions lady wanted to know if I was interested in getting started 5 months earlier than planned. Hell yes I’m interested. So I made a quick call to check with Mona and see what she thought (her answer was “Hell yes!) and I sent an email confirming my desire to enter the January class.

So that’s it, I’ve only got to keep my job another 7 months. That should be really doable. I’ll quit at the end of the year and 2009 will be all about school.

I think this will mean buying a PC instead of the plasma, but I may have enough points to buy a decent tower and a midsize plasma with PC inputs that I can use as a TV and monitor. Or should I go LCD now since I want to use it as a monitor?

The only downside is I’ll be giving up 4 months of income on the front side. But we’re doing our best to save up now so we should make it.

So now I have a question. Does anyone know anything about getting scholarships and grants? I’m headed to a private school and tuition for even a year is surprisingly expensive. So far all I know I can get is $4000 from the state in exchange for my willingness to work 2 years in a hospital. I’m not sure if I really want to do that.

As always, your thoughts and advice are greatly appreciated.

The best kind of dilema

It has recently been pointed out (correctly; thank you Kathleen) that school is out and yet my postings here remain infrequent. I know. And I have been meaning to write a post or two, but I’m having some trouble.

I don’t know if it’s writers block (and I’m slightly uncomfortable calling myself a writer) or what. I just don’t have many ideas. I'm not even commenting in places where I usually comment. It's just not coming.

I’ve never been a diarist, and frankly I’m often not self aware enough to realize just what’s going on internally at any given moment.

But I do have a couple of things that sprung to mind. I’ll stick with the first issue and save the other two for later.

I have what I’m reluctant to call a problem or conundrum or puzzle. It’s certainly not an issue. I have an opportunity really. The thing about the opportunity is that it requires I make a choice. And it’s the choosing that I’m having trouble with.

I know the last few times you heard from me I was bitching about my job. I’m still annoyed by it in general, but lately it’s been going well. Most of the headaches are the kinds that are good to have.

As you know from lo these many posts, I’m a sales rep. For as many problems and gripes that I have, one of the many upsides is compensation and rewards and recognition.

We have sales contests from time to time and are rewarded with “sales points” that are over and above our regular commission payouts. They can be cashed in on an internal website for "stuff". There’s lots of stuff to choose from; think Sharper Image and SkyMall meets Home Depot and Best Buy. There’s more, but hopefully you get the idea. You can also get gift certificates to a bunch of places.

These sales points can’t be redeemed for cash. They can’t be invested in any way. You have to blow them on something. They may only be used for “fun.” Two years ago I won some and bought a compound miter saw and a table saw. I also won a pair of iPod Nanos and a few other things.

I’ve won a few contests again recently (and may win a few more) and I’ve got the cash equivalent of about $1400 in sales points to spend. The thing is, I’m torn about how to spend it. Here’s what I’m thinking-

Right now I have a 36” Sony TV. It was a pretty high end TV when I bought it 10 years ago. It’s still working well. But those plasma TVs are pretty cool and I could easily mount one to a wall in my basement. I could get a pretty decent 42” plasma for down there. But again, the big TV works just fine. And we don’t watch much TV in general. 6 to 8 hours a week is about the maximum.

Or I could get a 32” or so plasma for my bedroom and watch movies and whatnot with Mona. But she pointed out that I’m likely to want to watch TV while she wants to go to bed or leave the thing on when I fall asleep. I tend to think she’s right. I’ve also had people say that a bedroom TV is not a good idea just for the basic health of a marriage. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but is it a chance I want to take?

I could also hold on to the points for a while (they never expire) and use them to buy a really nice computer for when I go back to school. I haven’t had my own computer in more than 10 years. My employers furnish them and I use them for business and at home. Mona has a laptop that she bought 3 years ago, spilled orange juice on last year and is not likely to remain viable for much longer. Plus, when I quit next year this machine goes back to the company.

The third choice is to get some gift cards that are basically debit cards to be used for vacations. They can be used for hotel rooms, restaurants, etc. Mona demanded that if she was going to go back to work that I agree to take her on vacation somewhere. These gift cards could take some of the sting out of paying for a week long vacation.

Now something you should know about me. I like to hold on to money. Even this kind of money. I still have the cash my mother gave me for Christmas just before she passed away. I have money from other relatives that just stays in my wallet unspent. I have a $100 bill from an aunt in there that’s been there for at least 8 years.

Although I don’t like to spend I won’t agree that I’m cheap. When I do something I tend to be a spare no expense kind of person. I don’t want to throw around numbers so I’ll just say that when I entertain I prefer to overspend on food and wine rather than underspend. When I buy something I feel I need I tend to beilve the adage “You get what you pay for”. And I am fine paying for quality. It’s committing to do something that’s that problem. Deciding to spend is my personal hurdle.

I’d be very happy to sit on these sales points forever. But I can’t do that for much longer.

So here’s where you come in. Please help me out and answer two questions for me. Which of the three choices above would you take and why? If I gave you $1400 that you had to spend in a Sharper Image and SkyMall meets Home Depot and Best Buy type of place, what would you get?

All suggestions will be considered and all ideas gratefully welcomed.

Mona expresses her creativity

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, and Mona asked me to post something here. Since I believe I was obligated by law to agree to any wish she made on Mothers Day, please take a look at her Jewelry site.

She got into making jewelry when she and a few other moms she hangs around with had a girls night out at some jewelry and pottery make store. She enjoyed it so much that she started making stuff at home in her spare time (usually when The Peanut is napping). She’s made a bunch of necklaces and such and feels like the only way she can make is to get rid of what she’s got now. Think of it as a garage sale kind of thing.

I promise there will be no further commercial messages after this.

The Hinge and The Axe

Not to get on my soapbox, but I really believe there's a difference between a professional sales person and a person who is selling something. I actually have a Bachelors in Sales, it says just that on my diploma.

A professional sales person is looking to find a need and demonstrate how his or her product solves a problem for a customer. Sometimes we have to really do some digging to find that need, but they are real when we find them. And we don't always uncover a genuine need. If that reps products or services don't meet a need then he or she says so and everyone parts as friends. Either everyone wins or no one losses.

Someone selling something is in it for themselves and has no regard for his or her customer. He wins, the customer loses and that's just too bad.

While I have a responsibility to my company, I also have a responsibility to my customer. I represent the company’s interest to the customer and the customer’s interests to the company. I am the pin in the hinge. Without me the door and the frame never meet. The door can't do it's job and the frame is just an empty hole in the wall.

The person selling something is like a fire axe. The axe does not pity the door. It is merely a thing to be rid of to get where it's going.

The analogy falls apart at this point, but I'm going to say it anyway. Fire axes make hinge pins look bad.

But you get my point. I'm nothing like Herb Tarlek or the guy you expect to find on a used car lot. No real salesperson is.

F*(&king staff weenies

With the exception of the ending, this is exactly how I feel.

Check out this video.